


november rain

by whippedt_cream



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Drinking, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Past Relationship(s), Post-Relationship, Regret, Smoking, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, idk what to say tbh this is just short and sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-07
Updated: 2018-11-08
Packaged: 2019-08-20 08:50:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16552685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whippedt_cream/pseuds/whippedt_cream
Summary: It's kind of pointless that Yifan is writing this letter. It's not like Yixing will ever read it.





	1. Chapter 1

Rain was hitting the window. Drip, drip, drip. A steady pattern. The sound filled the room just like the rhythmic scratching of a pen being pressed against paper.

 

Dear Yixing,

How have you been? I sincerely hope you're doing fine, but I don't think that would be too hard for you. You have this will to live your life as best as possible. There's this positivity surrounding you, I've always admired this about you.

It shows in the way you smile. Your whole face lights up, it's so beautiful. I believe it's an honor to watch, to have this sort of smile sent your way. You'll never send it my way again, obviously. 

Hurting you also hurt me. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for leaving you like that. You deserved honesty, a man who'd openly say everything he has to say. I was such a coward. Not being honest to you, lying through my teeth when you asked me whether I was okay. 

You're not stupid, obviously you noticed that something was wrong. You never pressured me to tell you what's going on, though. That's just how good-hearted you are. You didn't want to force an answer out of me, didn't want to make me feel uncomfortable, so you just suffered quietly instead. 

Why couldn't you have pressured me more? Why did you just let me slip away? 

In no way am I saying any of this is your fault. I am fully aware that I did this, that I destroyed what we had. 

I feel conflicted. If you had insisted on telling you what was going on, maybe I would have told you. Maybe everything would have been fine. We'd still be together, laughing at the dumbest things, cuddling close during cold nights, kissing each other, simply spending our lives together. 

But I threw that away because I couldn't take it anymore. Couldn't take anything. I just had to get out, get away from everything and everyone I knew. You know this feeling, don't you? Sometimes you just feel the need to break out, to be escape the whole world. 

Of course, my need to get out was extreme. It had been building up until I was ready to burst. 

I still remember the day I left you. I remember being awake before you. You were sleeping peacefully, your hair was a mess and your face was pressed into the pillow in a rather unflattering way. To me, you still looked absolutely perfect. Then, you woke up, just as I had started counting your lashes out of habit. We shared our usual good morning kiss. How could I forget that? It was the second to last time we kissed. You didn't know that at that time, though. 

I remember your asking if I was okay before you left for work. I must have seemed tense. Obviously, I lied to you before kissing you for the last time. It must have been a confusing kiss for you. I kissed you like I was starving for it, completely unlike our usual slow goodbye kisses. I could even see the confusion in your eyes back then, but you still didn't ask.

People tell me I need to let go of the past, to get over it. Everybody knows this is easier said than done. I can't let go of the past. Even if I forget about it for an hour, for a day, for a week; it will always come back to me in one of my lonely moments. It's kind of ironic, don't you think? That I inflicted this sort of pain on myself.

It's almost been a year, hasn't it? I wonder whether you found someone to love again. You deserve it, deserve all the good things. You deserve all the things I wasn't ready to give you. 

Sometimes I also wonder if you wonder about me. I guess you'd rather try to forget about the person who claimed to love you and still just disappeared from your life. 

I was a coward. I truly regret running away from my problems instead of facing them with you by my side.

Yixing, I still love you, do you know that? You still have my heart, without you in my life I feel so empty. My days are nowhere near as happy as they were when I was with you. My only wish is to turn back time, to make things right. My only wish is to make you happy, to be honest with you, to ask for your support instead of leaving you behind. I want to hold you, to feel you again. I want to feel your love, because I can't imagine anything better in this world than being loved by you.

 

Yifan had started crying. He couldn't finish writing this letter, no matter how hard he tried. No matter how many times he tried. It was always the same. He wiped the tear that had fallen onto the paper away, resulting in the ink getting smudged. 

He crumpled the sheet until it was a solid ball and threw it in the trash.


	2. hold on

Weekends meant sitting in bars, drinking sorrows away and smoke filling his lungs. They meant trying to let himself feel something other than sadness, trying to fill the hole in his heart. 

Weekends meant calling Yifan exactly once each night, just to get the same result every time. We're sorry, your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again.

Yixing's friends and family members had told him that Yifan wasn't worth it. That he should get over this asshole who had hurt him and move on to find someone worthy of his time. He had lost count of how many times they had said it. It's not like he cared for their opinions about this in the first place. 

Holding onto the feelings he had for Yifan was self-destructive, he knew that much. However, feeling sad was still better than feeling nothing, right? At least it made him feel human.

Not a day passed on which he didn't wonder why the love of his life had left him so suddenly. Had he done something wrong without noticing? Had he been the problem that had led to Yifan shutting him out? What had happened?

Not knowing was killing him. If he had a reason, some sort of explanation, maybe it would be easier. Maybe he could continue living his life like a normal person, without worrying about the past all the time. 

Well. Maybe it wouldn't be easier. He'd probably still feel like he had been used and thrown away like a piece of trash. Like he wasn't worth anything. Like he didn't mean anything. Was he really that worthless? Had Yifan ever truly loved him? 

Yixing put his cigarette out after taking a long, final drag. Then he sipped on his drink. 

A man sat down next to him, asking if he could keep him some company. After making some mandatory small talk, they started kissing. A little while later, someone joined them. The man introduced his boyfriend, asked if Yixing minded that. In fact, he didn't mind that at all. 

He ended up going home with them, letting them treat him roughly, basically doing everything they wanted. He loved every second of it, because it made him forget, made him feel something other than sadness. 

It was only a short escape, though. Afterwards, Yixing felt worse and more worthless than before; he always did. 

He walked home at three in the morning since he wasn't willed to spend an awkward morning with the couple. It was a cool night. The fresh air cleared his mind, made him sober up a little bit. 

Once he had arrived at his appartment, the appartment he used to share with Yifan, he immediately went to take a shower. It was a long shower. He enjoyed the feeling of the hot water washing the night's mistakes away. 

When he laid down on the bed, the side Yifan used to sleep on, he wrapped himself up in the blankets, breathing in the fresh scent of his favourite detergent. He would have preferred if it still smelled like Yifan.

After he had released a deep sigh, Yixing reached for his phone in the dark. Reconsidering his life choices for a second, he looked at the bright screen. Then, he dialled an old, all too familiar number. 

He expected to hear what he heard every time. We're sorry, your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again. That's what he always got to hear, he didn't know why he still bothered.

It came as a surprise when he didn't hear those words. His heart skipped a beat when he was greeted with that deep, soothing voice he had missed for a whole year. 

"Yixing."


End file.
